Life: Self Destruction

Self Destruction.

Ever since I hit a stage of maturity, I've lived by the concept of self improvement. From what we know, we live once. Our lives are whatever we make them to be. When we move forward in time, we cannot turn back. For this reason, as time moves forward, should we not as humans move forward as well? As the generations continue, humanity improves, as we should all as individuals. If time is wasted, life is wasted.

But we are not machines, that can constantly work towards one goal. We are humans, full of emotion, relationships, likes, dislikes, and our humanity. Logic is the correct solution to most problems, but for some reason the paths we take are misguided  directed by our emotions.

I believe that self improvement is the meaning of life, our ultimate goal. To better ourselves, and our generations. But we cannot function in this manner constantly. Our lives are filled with fluctuations of good times and bad, and for every step of self improvement, it is only human nature to want to feel that sense of self destruction.

Sometimes, we just want it. We know it's a detriment to ourselves, yet we still want that feeling of self destruction. Ironically, self destruction can feel surprisingly satisfying.  This self destruction relieves us from the pressures of our lives and the factors surrounding it. It's our bliss, our forbidden escape.

I live by my own philosophies, but there are always exceptions. There is always hypocrisy.

I believe in self improvement.

But love the feeling of detriment.

I believe we are selfish beings, only seeking to benefit ourselves.

Yet, I care for others more than myself.

I believe the only relationship that is definitive, is the relationship between our consciousness and how it ceases when we die. Ultimately, we only have ourselves. People always leave. But you will always have yourself.

Though, ironically.. I hate myself.

The bullshit we go through in our lives, why should we love ourselves. We put ourselves through such torture, for this imaginary goal of seeking happiness. But we are selfish creatures, nothing will ever be enough. We will never be truly happy. We instead just constantly strive for the unachievable.

I guess I'm a dark person.

Does it really matter though?

Nobody even reads this anyway.

Not a single care in the world.

Fuck it.

Andre Liu.

Life: Selfishness

Selfishness

The most instinctive human act is the act of selfishness. It is human nature to priorities yourself, above others. Even acts of selflessness, are justified by the logic that it benefit's the individual. Whether mother's instinct, or charitable acts, these acts of "selflessness" benefit the individual who preformed this act. To prioritise yourself is only natural, only human. There are no true martyrs. If you martyr yourself for a cause you support, it is still selfish, because in turn it will benefit that cause, which benefits you.

Priorities should always be yourself above others, and we all should accept that fact. The more you know, the more you understand, the more you can use that knowledge to your benefit. To act in selfish benefit is the smartest, most logical choice of all. We as humans should all strive for self improvement, self benefit. As selfish as that sounds, it is only human.

We are not bred to serve others. Yes, our acts do also benefit society, friends, or family. But, our acts benefit ourselves the most. Our lives are our lives, all we have is time. Without time, we have nothing, for we have died.

What is the point of this post, you may ask? It is due to the hype going around about the new year. Yet again the world has circled the sun, congratulations. Why should this be an excuse to better yourself.

 New year, new me.

This above statement is incorrect. A new year, does not mean a new individual. We all carry our past, our lives, our experiences, our regrets. Every experience is vital to furthering our goals, our ideals, our lives.  Why should the turn of a new year, be the stimulus to a change in our lives? Incorrect. Our own motivation, our own strive for greatness should be the stimulus for everything we do to benefit ourselves. Every single experience in our lives can be used to our benefit. We learn, we experience, we lose our naivety. 

Become who you want to become. Make every second count, not just every year. Look back, only to see how the future can be better. Look forward, only to see what to do now, to make that future true. Hold no regrets, hold no ties to the past. The past is over.

The future has yet to come.

But yesterday was once the future.

Today is tomorrow's past.

Tomorrow will soon be today.

Andre Liu.

Emotion: Uncertainty

Uncertainty

How do you cure uncertainty? Sometimes you're just, at a stalemate. Logically, to amend uncertainty is to become certain, but realistically that is not always possible. Everything previously discussed in this blog combines into this topic. The topic of paths and parallel universes only is valid when an exact goal is established. But what about uncertainty? How do you choose a path in which a goal is not determined, but a decision you make is the split point between the two universes that can exist in your life?

Rather than cure uncertainty, instead how about a solution to uncertainty? But what is that solution, or rather, what is the most effective solution to this problem? Uncertainty is only truly present when pros, cons, situations, and consequences are all evaluated, yet still unable to solve that uncertainty. So, what are the possibilities to the solution of this uncertainty? What course of action is most effective? Is it to hold faith and follow a path, or try to avoid any path that deviates from your initial norms in the first place..

What do you do? What can you do...

Is every new experience always a good experience? Sure, maybe. If you consider it as a filter of emotions and experiences that will overall enhance your life. As a filter of which will give you understanding of what you want in life, in the end yes, all experiences are... not necessarily good, but rather beneficial.

But at the same time, sometimes you can want to avoid deviation from norms, because at times, consistency can be the most efficient way of progress. At this split off point, at this fork in path, you hold your future in your hands. Of course, just like any choice, you are unable to stay at that fork forever.  To progress you must move forward. 

For once, I am unable to finish this article with a decisive solution. Unfortunately, just like the title of this post, I too am uncertain. I guess I will just have to figure this one out.

These are my uncertainties.

These are my contemplations 

Andre Liu.

Life: Paths

Paths.

As we live life, there are parallel universes that run along side our current universe. I'm not talking about a physical universe, but a hypothetical universe, and everybody explores these universes in their minds by asking "what if" or saying "I should have".

Life takes us places, which are all defined by our choices, lifestyles, and our situations. What if I had done better or worse in high school? I could have been on my way to being a lawyer, or.. I could be at QUT, or Griffith, which would have changed so much. The people I wouldn't have met, the friends I wouldn't have made, the experiences I wouldn't have gone through. But instead, they would have been replaced with different people, different experiences, and a different life.

This exploration of different universes can not only be explored through past decisions, but current and future decisions that must be made. Our world, our life, is determined by the path we choose to take. You can always decide what you want, but you cannot decide outcomes. We can only choose the path that leads to our desired outcome, but not the outcome itself.

Sometimes, if you want something you have to fight for it. But the difficulty lies in both choosing and following the path. Following a path can be confusing, but ultimately you must evaluate whether it is worth it to stay on the path you took, or if it is the smarter, or more efficient choice, to take a new path.

We don't always get what we want, we cannot control outcomes, but we always stay in control of our own choices, and which path to walk. This is the way I choose to live my life.

I live my life whilst considering a multitude of factors.

• What do I desire
• Which path leads to that desire
• When is it acceptable or worth it to deviate from this path
• Will I regret the path I chose

I always try to live my life with no regrets, that is one of the most values I hold dear to myself. It is my life's goal. I cannot achieve this goal, but I can constantly strive for it.

This is how I see life.
This is how I live life.

Andre Liu.

Personal: Confessions.

Sometimes we have things we wish to say, but cannot build the courage to do so. Type in your name, capitalizing the first letter of both your first and last name (Andre Liu), and if you stumble upon this, so be it. If not, perhaps it will reach you someday.

Life: Memories

Memories.

Over time, we forget, we move on, we create new memories, and we live life. But it takes the smallest things to bring the past back to life, to remember that which we forgot. A simple song, smell, emotion, or familiar sight, can bring everything back.

Your memories are not photographs, they do not stay exactly as you remember, they do not capture that exact moment, they are not indisputable. Memories allow you to explore what happened, how you felt, allow you to relive a moment. Linked with strong emotions, memories can bring smiles, or tears to your face.

To relive a memory is to allow yourself to feel the same way you did in the past. A hatred, or a love, an annoyance, or an enjoyment, memories can truly make us feel as if the past is truly coming back to life. A true memory, a worthy memory of contemplation, is rarely ever lost in your mind, unless intentionally buried. A past love, a past friend, a past life, a different life. We not only relive memories, but also bury them. We bury these because they are too strong, too emotive, too influential. A memory which feels so real, a true experience, which reminds your present self that this is no longer reality, and no longer in existence. 

Although it indeed is such a powerful memory, these memories are reminders of things that no longer exist, this in turn brings not only the relived memories and emotions, but also new emotions of regret, pain, suffering, and shame.

A memory that takes years to bury, can be revived within a second by the right stimulus. Suddenly, everything you tried to forget, the past memory too good to keep, suddenly relived within a second. A sudden surge of emotions, both good and bad, running through your mind. Whole experiences which add up to years, can be relived in a minute.

To cherish a memory, or to bury one, memories are our experiences, our life. If the past was only a wish away, we would all live in the past. The new is exciting, but scary. Whilst the old, is familiar, and expected. If I were to be completely honest, I would wish for the past, to live in the past, it was the glory days, the best days of my life. But this is not the case, it is no longer a reality, I cannot return to that of which is no longer in existence, but can only reflect on the memories of the past.

I wish I could be there, a year ago. I wish things didn't change, I wish I didn't have to deal with the pressure of constant change, constant self-improvement. But alas, I have no choice but to soldier on. It is the only option.

The past I can longer have.

The past is only relived through memories.

These moments are relived with both the good, and the bad.

We can only hope to adapt, change, and further our lives in our greatest capability. With new days, unexpected futures, and our knowledge of the past.

We must move on.

Andreeliu.

Personal: Love

Love

I hate the feeling of falling for somebody. It's a rush of emotion, a cocktail of contradicting feelings.

Surprise

Excitement

Fear

Anticipation

Curiosity

Restlessness

then comes shame, and pain.

Perhaps I'm not the only one, but falling for somebody is always filled with disappointment and a reminder of the past. When somebody new comes into my life, I remember all those who came into my life, and where we ended up.

How many times have you said the words "I love you"?

How many people have you said this phrase to.

What happened to the past, what lies in the future.

I don't think we ever fully let go of those we have "loved", whatever that word truly means.

I don't think I could ever let go of some things, some people.

Moving on, and letting go are truly different things. People can go through multiple relationships, and realise that they have not truly let go of somebody they loved.

Moving on is a logical choice.

Letting go is an emotional journey.

A choice has been made, a journey still continues, yet the feeling of falling for somebody new feels as if a betrayal has occurred. Then, I start to think about the past, what has been, what could have been, and where are we now. This contemplation brings a pain, a shame, and a uneasy feeling to be dealt with.

Whilst simultaneously, I juggle the potential feelings of the new, the cocktail of feelings that erupt in my head and heart. When this feeling arises, questions also arise in my head. Who are they, where have they been, where are they now, is it safe to feel this way.

Safety, security. To make a move is to step out of this safety zone, but is it worth getting hurt? But really, what are the chances. Slim, very slim. This concept of chances is what also brings back the uncertainty, and the fear. We cannot choose who we fall for, we cannot choose to stop falling despite chances, and choices.

We are only human.

I, am only human.

I cannot let go of who I've held onto.

I cannot anticipate the future, of what may come from falling for another.

I love the feeling of being in love.

I hate the feeling of finding love.

And thus the journey continues.

Andre Liu.