Personal: Love

Love

I hate the feeling of falling for somebody. It's a rush of emotion, a cocktail of contradicting feelings.

Surprise

Excitement

Fear

Anticipation

Curiosity

Restlessness

then comes shame, and pain.

Perhaps I'm not the only one, but falling for somebody is always filled with disappointment and a reminder of the past. When somebody new comes into my life, I remember all those who came into my life, and where we ended up.

How many times have you said the words "I love you"?

How many people have you said this phrase to.

What happened to the past, what lies in the future.

I don't think we ever fully let go of those we have "loved", whatever that word truly means.

I don't think I could ever let go of some things, some people.

Moving on, and letting go are truly different things. People can go through multiple relationships, and realise that they have not truly let go of somebody they loved.

Moving on is a logical choice.

Letting go is an emotional journey.

A choice has been made, a journey still continues, yet the feeling of falling for somebody new feels as if a betrayal has occurred. Then, I start to think about the past, what has been, what could have been, and where are we now. This contemplation brings a pain, a shame, and a uneasy feeling to be dealt with.

Whilst simultaneously, I juggle the potential feelings of the new, the cocktail of feelings that erupt in my head and heart. When this feeling arises, questions also arise in my head. Who are they, where have they been, where are they now, is it safe to feel this way.

Safety, security. To make a move is to step out of this safety zone, but is it worth getting hurt? But really, what are the chances. Slim, very slim. This concept of chances is what also brings back the uncertainty, and the fear. We cannot choose who we fall for, we cannot choose to stop falling despite chances, and choices.

We are only human.

I, am only human.

I cannot let go of who I've held onto.

I cannot anticipate the future, of what may come from falling for another.

I love the feeling of being in love.

I hate the feeling of finding love.

And thus the journey continues.

Andre Liu.