Personal: Love

Love

I hate the feeling of falling for somebody. It's a rush of emotion, a cocktail of contradicting feelings.

Surprise

Excitement

Fear

Anticipation

Curiosity

Restlessness

then comes shame, and pain.

Perhaps I'm not the only one, but falling for somebody is always filled with disappointment and a reminder of the past. When somebody new comes into my life, I remember all those who came into my life, and where we ended up.

How many times have you said the words "I love you"?

How many people have you said this phrase to.

What happened to the past, what lies in the future.

I don't think we ever fully let go of those we have "loved", whatever that word truly means.

I don't think I could ever let go of some things, some people.

Moving on, and letting go are truly different things. People can go through multiple relationships, and realise that they have not truly let go of somebody they loved.

Moving on is a logical choice.

Letting go is an emotional journey.

A choice has been made, a journey still continues, yet the feeling of falling for somebody new feels as if a betrayal has occurred. Then, I start to think about the past, what has been, what could have been, and where are we now. This contemplation brings a pain, a shame, and a uneasy feeling to be dealt with.

Whilst simultaneously, I juggle the potential feelings of the new, the cocktail of feelings that erupt in my head and heart. When this feeling arises, questions also arise in my head. Who are they, where have they been, where are they now, is it safe to feel this way.

Safety, security. To make a move is to step out of this safety zone, but is it worth getting hurt? But really, what are the chances. Slim, very slim. This concept of chances is what also brings back the uncertainty, and the fear. We cannot choose who we fall for, we cannot choose to stop falling despite chances, and choices.

We are only human.

I, am only human.

I cannot let go of who I've held onto.

I cannot anticipate the future, of what may come from falling for another.

I love the feeling of being in love.

I hate the feeling of finding love.

And thus the journey continues.

Andre Liu.

Life: Progress

Progress

We are all human beings, our lives go on, and continue, through trials and tribulations. Life has it's ups and downs, but life is what we make it. There are times where life feels like it's low, or perhaps even an all time low. But if life is at it's lowest, what else is there but to progress higher, to make life livable, or even good.

Such formalities in conversation: "Hey, how are you?", but naively we say these words, ask this question way too easily, as a formality, without the contemplation of what this question truly means. We simply reply "good" again, as a formality, but we all know that we're not all that "good".

Progressing through life, for however many years, feels so monotonous, but at the same time, time itself feels painful. We get so low to the point of self-destruction, whilst knowing in our minds that it isn't the true answer. The only path is self improvement, not self destruction. Though, unfortunately, we all seem to realise that the path of self destruction is all too easy, we destroy, we lead the path or wrongness, all because it's easier than the true path of improvement.

This is how we get stuck in difficult situations, because ironically, the difficult times are the easiest of them all. Taking that step, making that choice to change, to improve, is all too hard. Despite our knowledge of death, life and time is all we have. We have an unlimited resource of life, of time, despite death. This is because after death, there it is all just an eternity of nothingness.

Friends, family, relationships, school, jobs, life. Of all these important factors, in the end all we have is ourselves. When we lose ourselves, we wont even know the consequences of our own deaths. Simply because, we are.. dead.

It is for this reason, we should make the most of what we have, especially our lives. To seize the moment, to live our lives to the fullest, rather than self destruction, we must opt for self improvement. I personally can say that life isnt good, it has been harsh, perhaps even somewhat cruel. But we must make the most of it.

Life is ourselves, but conversely is reliant and subjected to everything that surrounds us. On the path of self-destruction, or even isolation, despite the cares and sympathies of those around you, their lives move on, with our without you.

When I reminisce about the past, who I was, who I used to be, what life used to be, what choices I made. These things cannot change, but I do see the progress I have made.  There was a time I was worried whether or not I could even get to uni, if i'll ever have any real friends, if i'll be ugly forever. But i'm now surrounded by friends who I care about, and who care for me. I'm in the University of Queensland, studying what I've always wanted to do. I've taken the path of self improvement to stop my unhealthy life, and am continuing on the path of self improvement.

But after all the progress I have made, I still do not see myself as living my life at the fullest. I still have problems in my life, I still have issues I'm not happy about. I have plenty of things that I see myself needing improvement on.

My life could have taken a turn for the worst in the past. Where I was at a crossroad as to what to do with my life, or even to end it. In hindsight, it was a stupid matter to even contemplate the end of my own life, but at the time I know the issue was very, very real.

If I chose the wrong path, I could have ended up with no education, even more unhealthy and fatter than I am now, in isolation, with no friends, a disappointed family, and a meek future. But that doesn't mean I could not progress any more, even if I had taken that path.

No matter how bad life gets, no matter how dark situations appear, there is always a way, a path, a light. There is always a way to change our lives, to take a turn for the better, to make the most of our situations.

No matter what, we must progress, we must improve, we must strive for greatness. Whatever our goals, our wants, our needs, our ideal path, we must strive to get there. Even if we never achieve those goals, even if we don't get what we want, at least we tried.

It is the path that matters, not the destination.
It is better to jump for the stars, and only hit the sky, than to have never jumped at all.

Life's a bitch.
But life will always progress.

Andre Liu.